Do’s and Don’ts of swimming at public pools

DON’T:
• Butterfly if there’s another person in the pool. This is a social space, and butterfly is a very antisocial stroke. (Exceptions: I’ve seen it done beautifully, and if that’s you, do carry on: you are magnificent and probably an Olympian. The rest of you? Stop. You are drowning children in your backwash.)
• Be in the wrong lane. Lane etiquette is terribly important. Be honest about the speed you’re swimming, and if you’re not sure, ask me. I’ll probably tell you you’re slower than you think, and that you should move into the medium lane. I am a medium-lane swimmer; there is no shame in it. Every pool should have a lane monitor who thinks exactly like me. With a whistle.
• Be cross if someone backstrokes into you. It happens. Get over it. (It’s probably me. I’m very zigzaggy at backstroke.)
• Hawk into the drains at the end of the pool. Just save your hawking till you get to the changing room. Or swallow it. Yeah, that’s an unpleasant image, but you started it with your hawking.
• Hog the ends. If you’re standing at the end, please make sure there’s room for some obsessive (ahem) to touch the end and push off again. A length doesn’t count unless you touch the end and I don’t want to inadvertently put my hand on … anyway. You get the drift. Move over. (Also, see next rule.)
• Freak out at accidental touching. It doesn’t mean anything but clumsiness. It doesn’t count as “petting”.
• Smoke. It might still need saying. Probably just to me.
DO:
• Wear a cap. I have swum into many clumps of hair in my travels; it’s not pleasant. Put a cap on it.
• Make eye-contact – why not? I know it’s hard in goggles but swimmers are, in my anecdotal experience, mostly nice. Talk, even. If people have a particularly lovely stroke, I tell them. If I like their costume, I ask where they got it. It’s called “interaction” and it’s truly not weird. I recommend it.
• Be aware of what speed you’re doing. (See Don’ts, above.) If there are loads of masters swimmers in, you may be the slowest person in the water – so go into the slow lane. You will only be judged favourably, and life will continue.
• If someone taps your foot, let them overtake you. It’s not a competition. (Unless it is.)
• Shower before you get in the water. If you get in the water dirty, the chlorine levels are YOUR FAULT. Also I don’t want swimming behind you to be a body lotion blind-tasting test.
• Be aware there are other people in the pool. (Yes, triathletes in wet suits at Tooting Bec lido, I’m looking at you.)
• Hawk into the drains at the end, not in the water – IF you have to hawk (see Don’ts, above.)
• Be nice to the people doing head-up breaststroke. That might be you one day. I hope I’m still in the water when that’s all I can manage.
This is an ongoing list, and at the moment it’s mine. In the spirit of that final “be nice”, I’d like to make it more open, more communal – so what would you add to it? If you have any suggestions, any of your own pet peeves or particular delights, behaviour you cherish or abhor in our public pools, I’ll fully consider them – unless they are mean about my own swimming abilities. So be nice.